Mela: Some People’s Children

Just over a week has passed since my husband sat me down and told me friends of ours had joked to his face about how fat I was. To his face! And not like an “oops. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” but a double down, multiple slaps in the face kind of joke. He told me because he’s now really uncomfortable with these friends and didn’t want me to wonder why it was weird that he didn’t want to be around them.

I took it hard. Not because it’s the first time, but because at nearly 40, you just don’t expect your close friends to be douchebags, you know? Like even good people have flaws, and I am a super forgiving person, but do you know how many things I know about these people based on this?

1. They are as mature as they were in high school. Because what adult person jokes about their friends’ body behind their back? Like I thought I left that behind when I graduated.
2. They are probably so insecure about their own body that they project onto even bigger people because, well, the target is larger. I know this person has struggled with weight because WE HAVE HAD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT.
3. Anyone comfortable enough to talk about me like that in front of their children and MY HUSBAND has said those things before within the community, and I have zero space in my life for gossip.

My takeaway from this is that unfortunately, those people have lost my trust and access. But that I’m better off knowing. I forgive. I have much love. We’ve shared way more beautiful, tough and important moments in our friendship than this. But here’s my key takeaway, and I hope you’re paying attention.

You don’t have to give your love, time, attention or PEACE to people who are casual with it. I won’t. There are people in my life that can attest to this. I don’t suffer fools who are careless with respect. There’s so much beauty for me in this life, why should I spend my time in darkness.

It’s not just that I have a high standard for the few friends I surround myself with. We are all human and prone to making crappy mistakes. But also it’s not my responsibility to educate my friends on how to be good humans. Lola and I have faced many, many years of battling our internal demons about our bodies. We have said the nastiest things to and about ourselves over the years and gone to some really dark places because of the struggles we’ve had with weight loss. But through it all, while holding me accountable to my actions, Laura has never ever said anything about my body that made me feel worse about myself. Because when you know what it feels like, why would you ever do that to a friend?

In closing, be kind to yourself and if there are people in your life who can’t be nice, control access. Keep your mind healthy and positive because the struggle is real enough with their noise.