We all have at least one pair of “fat pants”, right? The ones that are both comfortable and acceptable in society? That’s not just me? If so, you probably also know the horror of the thigh blow out, when the weeks, months, and years of your thighs rubbing together is finally too much and the fabric gives up. Your jeans are now aspiring to be jorts and there’s nothing you can do about it.
The last time I was at the dentist for a checkup, he said there were a couple of spots we were “watching”. They weren’t cavities in need of filling yet, but we’re keeping an eye on them.
That’s how it was with my jeans. I was watching a tiny little spot, where the fabric was wearing, and some daylight could be seen. It stayed that way for weeks, and I felt confident that I would have warning before the full-scale blow.
Oh, how wrong I was. On my second day of training at the new job, on a routine trip to the restroom, the truth was revealed to me. One pant leg had decided to separate. No reconciliation was possible. It was 1/4 of the way through the process and a quick mirror check assured me that it wasn’t visible, but just barely. Thank God I was also wearing a long sweater.
I thought to myself ‘Lola, this is your sign. The fat pants have given up. You can either grab a pair of scissorsand pretend you’ve been wearing jorts all day, or you can get serious and work on fitting into the three pairs of brand new jeans waiting in the closet at home.’
I choose jorts.
Just kidding. I’m ready to make some progress again. I’m ready to work through my feelings instead of eating them. I’m ready to have hard conversations instead of holding it all in. I’m ready to use exercise as an outlet for stress and anxiety. I’m ready to feel good again. I’m on day three of “doing better” and I already feel better. This is my sign to keep going.
**I wrote this on Friday night and although I’m feeling better today (Sunday), I decided to post it anyway, because it is part of my weight loss journey.**
I really hate myself right now. I am emotionally eating and I’m gaining weight and every time I try to “do better”, I don’t. And every time I try and fail, it reinforces what I believe about myself: I am fat and disgusting. My thoughts when I make the decision to hit a drive thru instead of going home to make a healthy meal are ‘Of course I’m doing this, I’m fat and this is what fat people do.’
I went out with friends on Friday night. We went to a pub downtown for drinks and wings. There was a live musician who was really good, and I was happy to have a reason to go out. It had been an emotional day, my last at a job I have been at for over 8 years, and I was glad that I wouldn’t be spending the evening alone.
I treated myself to a glass of wine, a toast to my last day of work, and visited with my friends. I was happy and feeling good. I was also feeling full and bloated, thanks to the celebratory ice cream cake my co-workers and I had indulged in throughout the day, but I didn’t focus on that. I came home feeling tired and happy.
I opened my messages when I got home to check for our group picture. I knew that one had been taken and I was looking forward to seeing it. I immediately zoomed in to look at myself. There I was, sitting at the end of the table… the fattest person there… fat and disgusting.
The offending picture
I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. Why can’t I change it? Why can other people do it, but I can’t? Why could I do it before but not now?
I have heard it said that you have to accept and love yourself as you are right now. Goals and plans born from self hatred don’t work. I don’t know how to love and accept myself right now. I’m this moment, I truly hate myself, not just how I look but also who I am, because who I am is weak and undisciplined. I want to use that as motivation to work harder. At least if I work hard, I can be proud of myself for trying, right? Maybe with that, I will slowly begin to like myself.
But that’s the problem, isn’t it? Who I am, right here and right now, is worthy of that love and acceptance. I don’t have to earn it. That’s what I’m supposed to believe. It’s true that I would never tell someone that I love that they are fat and disgusting and won’t be worthy of love until they lose weight. Never. It makes me sad to think that I believe that about myself, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is what I believe.
I’m starting a new job on Monday and I have two visions of how my first day at the new job will go – the one I want, and the one I actually expect.
In the vision I want, I walk in confidently, with my head held high. I’m smiling and charming. I’m dressed well, and I feel great about myself and about the job. I go up to my new co-workers and supervisors and introduce myself and win them all over immediately.
In the vision I actually expect, I’m polite, quiet, and shy. I am uncertain, keeping my head down and my posture closed, to protect myself. I avoid speaking up and I hope no one notices me, but I also desperately want to be noticed. I wish I could be like the social butterfly making their way around the room, but I keep to myself because I’m worried about being awkward or saying the wrong thing. I’m dressed in an outfit that looks nice, but was picked out because it hides the things I hate about my body. I will unconsciously scan the room and judge whether or not I am the fattest person there.
I want so badly to be the confident girl but even now, at 41 years old, I feel like a little girl, the new kid in class, hoping the cool girls will invite me to come play with them. Waiting for some external validation to tell me that I am good enough.
Reading this post, it may seem to you like I’m sad and depressed, but I’m not. The group photo from Friday night was a wake up call. I have let myself gain weight. I have tried to ignore it and tell myself every day that I’ll do better tomorrow (haha). Today, I actually feel the resolve to follow through on that. Not just to eat better, but to treat myself better. To work on loving and accepting myself, while also being honest about the work I need to do. I think that if I want to make lasting changes, I need to change the way I think about all of this, and about myself. I’m not sure exactly what that looks like but I’ll let you know once I have it figured out.
So last week I did the ceremonial self-flagellating post to air out all my short-comings. And in some way I think publishing that really activated a bad-broad mentality in me that is ready to start winning in life.
One thing I forgot to mention in my post yesterday is that I’ve been easily distracted in my life. As in…I have allowed the internet to distract me as well as binge-watching television (this has eaten up, I’m sorry to say, a gigantic portion of my life since childhood). I’ve allowed other people’s drama to distract me as well. And I’m really ready to just quit being so distracted.
How many hours of my life has Gilmore Girls claimed? Well the show has a run time of 4 days and 16 hours so if we multiply that by the many, many, many times I’ve re-watched the entire series…I don’t want to know. I truly don’t want to add up how many hours of my life only one television show has taken, no matter how incredible that series is. It’s only one of several shows I’ve re-watched over these years of my adulthood. Those hours were spent in enjoyment, which is what I’ve focused a lot of my life on. Distracted enjoyment.
Well it’s been a slice and I’m not saying I’m giving up my stories on TV, but I’m not living someone else’s fake TV story, am I? I’ve got a whole blown life of my own that I’m supposed to be the main character of.
Main character energy. There’s a concept. The first time I heard of it was, ironically, while watching a movie. It was said by Kate Winslett’s character in the smash cozy Christmas-time movie “The Holiday” where she gets told by an old movie writer she has befriended:
ARTHUR: “Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”
IRIS: “You’re so right. You’re supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for god’s sake!”
You are SUPPOSED to be the leading lady of your own life. I feel almost knocked out by the concept that I’ve been letting so much in my life live bigger than myself and then pondering why I can’t get it together.
But sometimes getting it together is just about putting aside all the things you’ve been allowing yourself to be distracted by. That may mean setting reasonable amounts of time for watching television. That may mean setting limits on the types of foods you default to when you feel like eating your feelings. And that may mean walking away from other people’s distracting drama.
It fully means getting clear on the lifestyle I actually want and then working towards that. Bring on that MAIN CHARACTER ENERGY!!!
Just like that you wake up and 40 is around the corner…like it’s staring right at you. And I’ve never feared it. But it is making feel like I am not where I want to be in life.
I have a gorgeous family. By the grace of God I beat down PCOS and its unbearable odds to bear three beautiful little lives and by His strength, my husband and I will make our first 10 years of marriage this coming October. There’s nothing more precious to me in the world than these four people although my own mother is right up there.
So what did you come here for? Who is Mela and why is she about to live out a mid-life crisis on a blog for the entire world to ignore? Well, it’s more to me than just turning 40. I spent my 20’s consumed with building relationships and skills. I spent my 30’s looking to cement my place in the world as wife and mother and now, on the eve of my 40’s I’m looking to rebuild myself based on the lessons I’ve learned and the ambitions I have, but without the childish idea of “all the time in the world” I’ve been immersed in until now. Also, the idea that my comfort is somehow tied to doing whatever I want in the moment.
I’ve always been this floater. Like a pool of talent that swells from time to time but settles without a current to push it into open water. I’ve given people glimpses of my potential, enough to get them excited, and then ultimately disappointed when I don’t live up.
My husband, who has the patience of Job, has always encouraged and believed in me and now, as I enter into this new phase of my life, is championing me in exceptional ways.
He wants me to invest in myself. He wants to see my success. He wants us to push forward together. And I want to live up to that.
I’m tired of floating. I’m tired of settling for less than I’m capable of. But before I get into how I want to change, let me list off the ways in which I feel I am not holding up.
Health. I am Obese. I have Insulin Resistant PCOS which makes my body a massive jerk regarding weight loss and unfortunately for me, my emotional eating faves are all carbohydrates.
Finances. I have never managed a budget or saved a dollar. And just now, after working a ton, we have hit some serious set backs that have made managing money easier because there isn’t much. But that isn’t easy. Especially with three young children. It won’t last for long, but it’s here and it’s in my face.
Fitness. I have always resisted exercise except for a couple brief periods in my life when I got into routines that made me feel incredible. I’ve been legitimately hesitant and lazy in terms of doing what I need to do in order to move my body and improve muscle tone and definition.
Procrastination. I LOVE TO HOLD OFF until the last possible moment and then blow out my best work in a flow state. But that often results in things not actually getting done at all when other things come up that have to be dealt with.
Imposter Syndrome. There is some deep set fear in me that I am not enough to live my dreams. And I’m determined to weed out the source of that and prove myself right that I have massive value to bring to the world.
So…join me as I go from living to living well as I enter into my mid-life girly journey. Because I know I’m not alone. And sis, if we’re not in this together then we’re in it alone and I just don’t accept that.
This is the notification from the Atoms app that greeted me when I arrived at work this morning. 10 years, I thought, that’s a long ways away.
That’s when the reality hit me. One day can easily turn into 10 years. How? Let me explain.
If you’re anything like me, you’re a pro at putting off “starting”. Just one more meal, then I’ll be good. I’ll start tomorrow. I’ll start on Monday. I’ll start after Christmas. After this vacation. August 1 is also a Monday, that’s the perfect time to change my diet! And so on, and so forth. You proceed to use the time before you “start” to eat all of the things you swear you’re going to cut out.
Here’s what I have learned: more often than not, when I put something off until “tomorrow”, tomorrow rarely comes. I may start the day with good intentions, but one small setback or craving and I’m “off track” again. That’s when the all-or-nothing mentality kicks into high gear. I ate a donut so the day is ruined. I may as well pick up a pizza on the way home. I’ll do better tomorrow.
And so the cycle continues. Sometimes I stick to my plans and goals for a few days or weeks, but something happens and I allow it to derail me and suddenly I’m back in the “tomorrow” mindset. Suddenly, entire years have slipped by and I’m still in the same place I was before, or worse.
This is what I need to remember:
As Mela said in her last blog post: Our choices are the #1 determining factor in us living better lives. Before making any decision, I want to ask myself: Is this going to help me become the person I want to be? Hopefully, the answer will usually be “yes”, but I expect that it will sometimes be “no”. I think that is a reasonable expectation. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect myself to be, but at least I can be honest. If I consistently make decisions that take me further away from who I want to be, then I have to do some soul searching and ask myself if it’s something I truly want. If it is, why do I keep sabotaging myself and holding myself back? What habits and beliefs have I created that keep me from accomplishing my goals? What excuses am I using to continue enabling my behaviour? Right now, I can tell you that I need to work on trusting myself. I’ve been stuck in the cycle of successes followed by failures for so long that I don’t believe in myself anymore.
But all of this is my choice. I know what I need to do. I have done it before. I have evidence that says I can do it again. Yes, it will be difficult, but no one ever said it was going to be easy. I need to grow in patience and discipline. I need to remember that every decision matters, and that all I really have to do is take it one step, one decision at a time. I can either look back in 10 years and wonder where the time went, or I can be proud of myself for the thousands of decisions, big and small, that helped me become the person I wanted to be. Every decision I make is a vote in favour of one of these. The choice is mine.
While Lola is trying to give herself some grace I’ve been saying really mean things to myself. And it’s a pattern I’m just tired of falling into where I do well and then let my emotions dictate weeks of bad choices followed by self loathing.
But how to break out of a cycle that I’ve been in most of my life? How do I finally straighten my crown and walk steadily into the future when I feel like an impostor on my own journey? Well I guess I can sum it up by listening to the voice in my head of my own mother as I was growing up complaining about things I absolutely had power to change: “Buck Up”. I used to hate this response to my complaints. It meant that the world didn’t OWE me a better situation and that I either had to live with it or be the change I wanted.
So with my 40th birthday just a couple weeks away and me wanting to come into this year where my life and family is very much in transition feeling hopeful and excited, I need to listen to mommy and just BUCK UP. Make a good plan that is reasonable and just be accountable to it. Enjoy my life and get the work done.
Living well is about more than weight loss, yes. But no matter what anyone says, when you wake up and every part of your body is something you can noticeably feel is not good, it’s time to grow up. Our choices are the #1 determining factor in us living better lives. That includes food, moving body, getting away from stress and prioritizing peace. It includes spending time on things that add value to our lives rather than waste time. It includes seeing the sun from the other side of the patio door. It includes catching up with people you love but whom you put off calling because you “don’t have time” (while you scroll the apps for hours in bed each night). It includes finding new recipe ideas so that eating doesn’t become a loathsome chore. It includes looking at yourself in the mirror and focusing on what you love instead of wanting to cry that everything is not the perfection you wish it was.
In the spirit of that, I think I’m going to slap some shoes on my kids and get them out the door this afternoon so they don’t waste the entire Easter break in front of the TV and we get some much needed fresh air.
What choices are you going to make for a better life today?
A few blog posts ago, I said that my plan was to prioritize protein and move more. I’m working on both – I have protein with every meal, and I’m exercising consistently and trying to be more mindful of moving more in general during the day, such as using the “standing” position of my standing desk more often at work, doing deep squats at the water cooler (super embarrassing if someone catches me), and finding reasons to walk around the office more. Still, my weight will not move. I think I know what I need to do. I need to start tracking.
I have gone through phases in my weight loss journey. Sometimes I am a super tracker and I record every little thing I eat. Other times I can’t mentally handle the thought of trying. I’ve used apps and spreadsheets and what I have found is that I don’t think it’s the best thing for me. It tends to make me too obsessive about calories and macros, and can make me feel to stressed, especially in situations where I don’t have control over what I’m eating. Going home for a weekend to visit my family shouldn’t fill me with anxiety over what I’m going to eat and how much weight I will gain because of it. I want to be able to just enjoy spending time with my family.
That being said, I have decided that I want to start tracking protein intake, at least until I get a better sense of what my daily protein goal looks like. I have heard a couple of guidelines for protein intake:
The first is 1g per pound of body weight, however if a person is overweight or obese, it’s better to eat according to the goal weight, or lean body mass weight.
Thanks to my eufy Smart Scale P2 Pro, I know that my lean body mass weight is around 125 pounds, so that’s where I will start. Let us begin the process of googling “what does 100g of protein a day look like”!
I will be focusing mostly on animal-based protein sources, because I also want to eat fairly low carb. One source will be a daily protein shake, because with that I can get 1/5 of my protein needs in an easy and delicious way. I am currently trying Good Protein, which I quite enjoy:
Prioritizing protein will be the foundation of my diet plan. As for the rest of it, my plan is to focus on a variety of healthy foods without being too restrictive. I have found that restricting too much eventually leads to a binge, so while I want to reduce my sugar intake significantly, I’m not going to say “Zero Sugar” or tell myself that I “can’t” have a cookie or a piece of cake. I don’t want to just lose weight, I want to heal my toxic relationship with food so I can get to a place where I can freely enjoy eating anything in moderation without it leading to a binge and a downward spiral of hating myself. My goal is health. Not restriction. Not perfection. Just health.
Just over a week has passed since my husband sat me down and told me friends of ours had joked to his face about how fat I was. To his face! And not like an “oops. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” but a double down, multiple slaps in the face kind of joke. He told me because he’s now really uncomfortable with these friends and didn’t want me to wonder why it was weird that he didn’t want to be around them.
I took it hard. Not because it’s the first time, but because at nearly 40, you just don’t expect your close friends to be douchebags, you know? Like even good people have flaws, and I am a super forgiving person, but do you know how many things I know about these people based on this?
They are as mature as they were in high school. Because what adult person jokes about their friends’ body behind their back? Like I thought I left that behind when I graduated.
They are probably so insecure about their own body that they project onto even bigger people because, well, the target is larger. I know this person has struggled with weight because WE HAVE HAD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT.
Anyone comfortable enough to talk about me like that in front of their children and MY HUSBAND has said those things before within the community, and I have zero space in my life for gossip.
My takeaway from this is that unfortunately, those people have lost my trust and access. But that I’m better off knowing. I forgive. I have much love. We’ve shared way more beautiful, tough and important moments in our friendship than this. But here’s my key takeaway, and I hope you’re paying attention.
You don’t have to give your love, time, attention or PEACE to people who are casual with it. I won’t. There are people in my life that can attest to this. I don’t suffer fools who are careless with respect. There’s so much beauty for me in this life, why should I spend my time in darkness.
It’s not just that I have a high standard for the few friends I surround myself with. We are all human and prone to making crappy mistakes. But also it’s not my responsibility to educate my friends on how to be good humans. Lola and I have faced many, many years of battling our internal demons about our bodies. We have said the nastiest things to and about ourselves over the years and gone to some really dark places because of the struggles we’ve had with weight loss. But through it all, while holding me accountable to my actions, Laura has never ever said anything about my body that made me feel worse about myself. Because when you know what it feels like, why would you ever do that to a friend?
In closing, be kind to yourself and if there are people in your life who can’t be nice, control access. Keep your mind healthy and positive because the struggle is real enough with their noise.
lolaandmela 